Welcome To Thriving Through Trauma

So I finally got this uploaded!

This first episode is a concise summary of my plans for this project… It is starting out as an audio journal for myself to document my insights from my own trauma-based psychotherapy, in order for me to stay more grounded and present in my daily life. If what I share happens to help even one person, then my work here is done. Who knows what this will turn into in the coming months and years, but that is the most exciting (and terrifying) part of all this! Personally, my challenges stem from complex post-traumatic stress disorder or CPTSD, but other mental health topics will be discussed. In addition, I’ll try my best to provide tools and real-life examples that have been working for me through my healing process thus far!

Eventually, interviews and various other conversation topics (including metaphysics, spirituality, quantum theory, and neuroscience) will be integrated into the story that will come from this endeavour. For now, let us work on re-establishing safety and stability within ourselves to overcome dysregulation in our daily interactions – together 🙂

Episode 1 Transcript:

Hi there everyone! I’m going to be cliché and start this off with a quote:  It just occurred to me that many people in this world are actually afraid to heal because their entire identity is centered around the trauma they’ve experienced. They have no idea who they are outside of trauma and that unknown can be terrifying. Google tells me that is from Ebonee Davis – my apologies if that is incorrect, aha.

So… I guess I’m finally recording this thing. Wow. I wonder what the determining motivational factor was that prompted me to actually take action after all these months of… we’ll call it planning? Mmm.. no, healing, but don’t be fooled – I’m still healing.

Maybe I genuinely just want to relate to and help people.

Maybe I needed a place to vent and express myself that wasn’t as private as a journal and more efficient than painting or sketching like I used to… 

Maybe I’m curious to see if this too, will blow up in my face. Or rather, that it will be a face-slapping success. That’s the part that scares me.

Maybe I finally got so fed up with the bullshit I was allowing into and creating for my life, that I just had to say that enough is enough and move in a new direction for my own sake.

Or maybe it’s only when things get so dark around and inside of you, that you have no other choice than to figure out how to turn on your light within.

The only thing that I know is certain is that I am goddamn terrified to release this or any subsequent episodes because I have never authentically loved myself in public before.

Too late now, I guess… 

Intro

Firstly, HELLO LISTENERS! I’m Katie and this is my podcast: Thriving Through Trauma, using pain to reclaim your power. What a happy accident that you have stumbled onto my new personal project. I’m genuinely super grateful that you have chosen to give me a chance. Thank you. 

I would like to tell you that all my episodes won’t start out as existentially-questioning as this one did, but that would be making false promises to you – which isn’t fair to either of us. It is almost like I am constantly experiencing an existential crisis, perhaps you are too, and that is why you’re listening to my voice. I’m not going to lie, I am in the middle of my healing journey (hence the title of this podcast) and because of that – this project might have a rather messy start and then simply remain messy. I’m not sure, but however it turns out, it will be beautiful. There is much I have already worked through in regard to my trauma/past/life experience/childhood wounds (whatever you want to call it, really), but there is still much more that I am working towards integrating and grounding within myself. Eh, we’ll see what happens!

Let’s be honest, you must have had some idea that this wouldn’t be all sunshine, rainbows, puppies, and kittens… I mean, it’s in the title – you’re here, listening to my voice because you have been through, are in, or have transcended some sort of traumatic experience in your life. Or perhaps you’re one of the lucky few who haven’t and you’re curious, bored, or listening for some other personal or perhaps educational reason. Whatever brought you here, I’m glad to be in your ear. 

While we are being honest, I have no idea what you should expect from this podcast in terms of feeling, content, anything, really. Chances are, you will experience a variety of emotion and certainly not all of them will make you feel triumphant. However, I do hope to help you see the light in all experiences and emotion that does arise and the potential purpose of it all. Either way, if either of us have expectations of what this will become – then I’m sure we’ll both be disappointed.

Alas – I digress, I did post a video back in August explaining what my purpose for this podcast was, but then a slight hiccup occurred, and I had to rebrand and rename all previous efforts and start from scratch. So, this episode will be a reiteration of that video that has since been taken down, so that new listeners can understand why this exists in the first place, and my returning audience can hear it again. Repetition is key after all because maybe there’s something you heard the first time that didn’t or won’t resonate with you until later.

Either way, I am telling all of you now that you may not be comfortable with how raw, authentic, and vulnerable I will be with this project. Some of the topics I discuss might TRIGGER you (or myself for that matter) … Good, let them do that and let’s allow ourselves to be triggered. For it is when we are triggered that we may discover areas of our psyche that need our attention, love, and light in order to transcend and heal. It is only when we resist that trigger rather than embracing it for what it is and then letting it go, that it will persist. I think that goes for most things though… Personally, I find that the only things that matter in this world are those that have come out of pain and trauma – whether it be personal or global. The depth at which we can love one another is also reflective of our pain and trauma as individuals and a collective. Music, poetry, art, scientific innovation, philosophy; it is all wonderful and so much of it has come out of the desire to improve situations and feelings for all of us.

Okay, guys. This podcast will be a nice little soup of personal accounts and insights from my own psychotherapy sessions as I work to heal my complex PTSD, eventual neuroscientific detail and explanation regarding the healing process of CPSTD and other dissociative disorders, eventually some interviews with other individuals whom have transformed their own trauma into what triumph is for them, and a variety of other ingredients just to spice things up every once in a while! Those ingredients range from various scientific and quantum theories, to belief systems, to complete nonsense. As with our healing process, we have an unpredictable road of exploration ahead.

This project has a few different purposes. Firstly, it is to be an activity for myself that allows me to maintain presence in the moment and attain calmness within by providing me an outlet to get in deeper touch with myself, so I can improve my recollection of the occurrences in my life. I had been finding that I was losing moments, days, weeks at a time before I started documenting my thoughts. Second, it is for you, whomever may be listening; to help awaken you to what you might need to heal within yourself, along with provide you the courage to get the help you know that you need deep down. Whether that help is sought after through psychotherapy, close friends and family, listening to this podcast, or any other modality in combination with your own inner reflection, I want you to know that you are not alone even though it might feel like it at times. Countless other human beings have been exactly where you and I are, wherever that may be. Today we keep trying to suppress and eradicate suffering, but in that attempt, we are also losing so much of the experiences that make us who we are. This leads to miscommunication between each other, misunderstanding of ourselves and others, and mis-expression of self-love or a misguided sense of self-worth. 

The fact of the matter is, that as a collective, we live in a 3-dimensional reality of suffering and duality. Now, remember what I said about resistance and persistence? That same concept applies to our collective reality and your suffering as a human being. It is impossible to shut off completely, so what can we do? If we cannot eradicate our pain, how are we ever supposed to heal ourselves and by consequence, this planet?

From my experience – taking personal responsibility for what your life has been, is, and will be – is the first step. Now, before you say, “… But Katie! How is what happened to me in my past my fault? I didn’t ask for what happened to happen, you’re stupid. This is stupid. I’m turning this off, you can’t possibly understand what I’ve been through.

You are 100% correct. 

What other people did or didn’t do to you, says so much more about them and their wounds that it will ever say about you. That is not the point I’m trying to make… All the pain that we have experienced is ours to own and all feelings you have experienced from that pain and trauma are completely valid. It is impossible for us to change the past, but what we do have the power to change is the meaning we have given it along with what we choose to do with those past experiences.

Okay, so what do I mean? Basically, suppressing or trying to eliminate your emotional pain will not serve you because, like I said before my intro began, “maybe it is only when things get so dark around and inside of you, that you have no other choice than to figure out how to turn on your light within.” 

With regard to trauma, when you experience pain in the present from a past event, all you are doing is recalling and remembering the existent emotion when that situation was happening. In the present moment, what happened to you in the past is not happening to you again, but the memory of it triggers your emotional response. In order to move forward, it is important that one connects to that pain and feels it fully, before giving it a new meaning and finally letting it go, so the memory no longer brings up those negative feelings that were once associated with it. I will go deeper into this concept in a future episode, but for this introduction – I’m going to try and keep things basic. 

For now, the idea I’m trying to express is that once you tap into your pain and integrate it fully into yourself – then and only then – will you be motivated to actually do something with your life. 

Hiding from yourself and your past will not serve you in the long term.

The emotions that you experience throughout the day are messages from yourself about what is working and what is not within your daily life and thought processes. You must observe and respond to them instead of reacting to them and the first step in this is simply becoming aware of what you’re experiencing.

Once you’ve started taking responsibility for your life and your feelings or reactions, you have started taking your power back! The next vital step in your healing journey is being gentle with yourself. Start by treating yourself like a friend and try to help yourself understand the emotions you are feeling in a particular moment. A true friend would tell you that everything is going to be alright, that they love you, and it isn’t your fault for feeling the way that you do. Forgive yourself for your negative self-talk when you are feeling particularly down and remind yourself how much you are loved. 

I know, that right now as you hear this – your inner self is probably screaming at you that what I’m telling you to do is impossible. “I don’t love myself, no one loves me – if there was love I wouldn’t feel this horrible.” Believe me, I’ve done and still do this to myself on occasion. It is a result of the trauma and pain we have experienced, but the fact that you are still listening to me speak right now – means the exact opposite. Why? Because someone who truly doesn’t love you, a true enemy, would simply allow you to burn and would actually enjoy watching you suffer. You still listening to me tells me that there MUST be love for yourself, somewhere – it may just be a little misguided. I will explore this concept more in future episodes as well, as this misguided self-love is an episode all on its own.

Anyway, you guys, we are all in this world together – all different parts of this epic human story. All individual powerhouses from different cultures that are just trying to find peace. Suffering is part of the human experience, we cannot pity those who have suffered or ourselves for suffering. Why? Well, because once you connect to and understand your individual suffering then you can transform it into your individual power. When we pity each other or yourself, we are taking that power away.

We have been indoctrinated to believe that it is impossible or not okay to be happy while you also have pain within you. Thereby, we are under this impression and illusion that something must be wrong with us if we have been through something traumatic but can still find moments of joy throughout each day. I am here to tell you that the more you focus on those joyful moments and those moments of love – the easier it is for the pain you have experienced to be transformed into something beautiful and wonderful, just like you. As a society, we need to stop teaching people who have experienced pain that it is okay to live a bleak life just because their circumstance does not fit society’s ideal or normal outline. Your resilience and ability to choose love over fear or hate, is your beauty and your humanity.

Quantum physics and chemistry have shown us that everything is energy and it is only what the observer expects that is observed. So, my question for you to ponder before the next episode is this: What have you been creating for yourself since the first time you got hurt and what would you rather create for yourself moving forward?

I think it’s about damn time that we all leverage our pain for change that is bigger than us. Sure, cruelty will still exist as we start this journey together – we need only remind ourselves that those cruel people are coming from a place a deep wounding. Those people (some of us even recognize ourselves as part of this group, or our past-selves as part of this group) will not stop bigger change from happening, but they can stop people whom are trying to heal from seeking help. I implore you, join me in healing and seeking our own help so that we may channel our individual purposes for this bigger change that we so desperately want to see in our world. 

You are not alone, I see you. We are one.

Until next time: Katie, out.

Outro