I never distrusted myself more than when you shifted and started discarding me. I’ve only really started seeing the truth of it all now.
Sure, one could argue that I couldn’t have got to such a dark place again if it wasn’t already within me, but you were supposed to be my safe place. You promised to be my safe place.
You dropped me in your lies and I believed you.
However, I’m not entirely innocent; you see, I enmeshed you into my own vision, so I brought it on myself. I may have called you in… but you physically manifested me, so you are also far from innocent in this dear one.
I am so deeply sorry for abandoning myself for you and I am in solace to myself above all else.
Even when I fell before it was not to the degree you brought me to – I had not known a darkness like that prior… Yet now I do and I wish I could un-know it.
Had I not already been handed enough destruction? I am sorry you are in so much internal pain, you didn’t deserve it; but I certainly didn’t deserve to have it thrust upon me in retaliation because you got comfortable with someone other than your Mother. I stand in that statement for what I thrust upon you too, but I was grieving – in shock – crumbling and reaching for support.
Alas, you watched me sob in this twisted stoic pleasure – as if you were almost satisfied with my puddled confusion and attempts to understand, be seen, recognized, and to connect… that’s all it was while I was hurt.
So, behold me now: I’m still here.
I am a remarkable Being, a phenomenal woman. I survived when all around me died and I did MORE than survive, I am thriving again. I’ve lived alone and feral in the Heart of Nature herself, but I was never truly alone.
I used to wonder why the wolves never hunted and the bears avoided me. Why I never succumbed to illness or have felt ill to rotten food or stagnant water since slowly beginning to eliminate you from my life; and how even in the depths of winter I have since never developed sickness. I have since never been short of food – never went hungry, never slipped into poverty, never even broke a bone or chipped a tooth.
As plagues devastate the world, I remain unscathed.
Truly, I live a charmed life without you because I accepted what you are as part of myself. In that you have been completely dissolved in the Light that I AM and WE ARE together.
If enemies come in search of me, they become lost. If trappers or traitors ever hunt me for reward again, they come to sudden and mysterious ends.
Death has always protected me, has been my Shadow, my Guardian. I’ve been kept safe and divinely protected because I am needed. I am of value. People need me today, just as I have always wanted to be needed.
Being abandoned and orphaned as a child, being left alone for years to run wild should have made me selfish, greedy, and perhaps even a little mad; and yet I am none of those things. It is a testament to my courage, my strength of will, my integrity; when I have food to spare, I share it, even when I had little enough for myself.
I care for others in ways that I, myself, have never been cared for; I keep coming back to this Realm simply so that I have more time to help those that need it. It has been subtle until now because for too long I have hidden my passion for justice behind an uncaring facade. Few know who I actually AM and those who do assume that I am only interested in myself.
Even you, who thinks he knows me better than anyone alive, knows absolutely nothing about me.
He does not know the reality of my energy signature – he made sure to try and destroy her before she had a chance.
Thank you for the lessons; may you heal and return to innocence so your Light too can impact those who need it, or be consumed by your own Inverted Truth…
After all, it is ultimately your choice.
May Eternal Love and Infinite Peace Be with You Always
Taking Responsibility for our Darkness, Shadow, Integration, and Having Created a Pathological Society
I dare say that nearly all of us in this world find ourselves fleeting between a path of “enlightenment” or abundance and one of suffering or disconnection. Most people in this world are fragmented internally due to previous generational trauma or as a by-product of direct traumatic experience (relative to the individual) in our upbringing. However, few of this majority are willing to take responsibility for this fragmentation or even look at it as a possibility as to why their life isn’t the way they want or expected it to be. When we refuse to pay attention to these events or reflect on our own behaviours that have brought us down a more self-sabotaging and darker path, we cannot feel truly fulfilled and are unable to step fully into our Light and personal power. In order to do this, we need to take a good look at ourselves and be open to seeing our mistakes and the places where we need to improve our competence in life-management. When we do this, we are able to be more authentic and open in our expression to ourselves and others, so that self-reliability and self-trust can be further integrated and embodied.
I can already hear some of you thinking, “Okay, Katie, but HOW are we supposed to integrate and embody these fragmented parts of ourselves? No one has ever taught me.”
You won’t like hearing this, but one cannot truly be self-realized until they are willing to face their darkness and shadow aspects. This is how integration works because the more you push away and DENY these darker parts of yourself, the further fragmented you become. There is a shift that happens when you acknowledge that “daemon” for what it is – a protective part of you. Allow me to try and make more sense of this for you…
Think about the outcast in the schoolyard, if this outcast was you – then hello there, kindred soul. I see you. That person tried their hardest to fit in, but they were different, estranged, eccentric, weird… until someone came along and met them where they were at and established connection. Often these individuals try to change themselves in order to be accepted by those around them. This is the same thing that occurs within us. These shadow parts came to be because at some point – they were not included or felt unsafe, and you needed to survive. It really is that simple. We humans love to complicate simplicity and singularity thanks to our beautiful imaginative consciousness. If we can be objective and see our misguided thinking without judging ourselves as higher or lower, good or bad, then we can start welcoming that lost part back into the internal system. We need to remember that there is much more to this world than betraying yourself in order feel seen and understood by another. Source made no mistake at all with you – nothing is broken even if it feels like it sometimes, I promise you that much.
The key in this work is to remain open hearted and be willing to evolve and change. Some hedonistic parts of us need to “die” in order for us to be “reborn” as a phoenix rising from the ashes of inferno because these parts no longer serve our entire being. The things we act on and choose when in a state of survival and fear are not sustainable long-term solutions to every upheaval.
Yet, due to the feelings of uncertainty and the compelling need to protect ourselves, this change can be terrifying – especially when all we have known is that feeling of needing to survive. Healing occurs when we start making different choices and cultivating safety for ourselves where we may not have had that same power before, because we were children. As adults, or individuals who have relieved themselves from the environment that caused the discomfort in the first place, we can go within (or work with a healer, coach, therapist) to re-establish and understand what CALM actually means or feels like – most of us, do not know what CALM and PEACE actually is, we think we do… but when our life isn’t where we want it to be, something else (usually a fragmented part of self or personal attachment) is animating our vessels/bodies and we deprive not just ourselves, but others from who we are at our core. Re-parenting and utilizing the readily available therapeutic resources that may not have been there for those of our previous generations, can profoundly shift the quality of our life and by proxy, the life of others.
Since we are all part of the human collective, we really are one and the same despite perceived differences. Thus, when we take responsibility for the darkest areas of ourselves, we are thereby looking at the inner areas doing things that commit harm to ourself and others, that we know deep down are not in our or their best interest. Doing so is us making the choice to discipline ourselves into stopping those harmful thoughts, behaviours, and actions.
“Okay, I am starting to follow what you’re saying, but why would we choose to do this when this is how we know and have learned to establish safety already?”
Well, let’s be honest with ourselves for a moment: we know they are not positive or productive thoughts, behaviours, and actions – even if they served at one point.
If we know they are not beneficial, then simply having that awareness to move towards more benefitting actions will start to ripple changes out into our energetic field and the world around us. Science has shown that everything is energy at the ultimate basis of it all, and this includes us. Beginning to upgrade our energy field this way begins to allow us to rearrange our lives to be based in truth and clear out the conditioning of our not-selves.
Most of adulthood is remembering what you were taught to forget in your upbringing – remembering the energy that you came here with and has actually never left your core-self. In this remembering we are able to begin aligning more closely with the positive presence of personal truth. Allowing ourselves to be this deeply honest with ourselves is a process that reveals even more of what we need to address more truthfully so that we may evolve into our highest expression of personal potential.
Listening to that truth within is the mechanism that allows us to dissipate any internal stress that we may be feeling and clarify our thoughts or feelings that may be producing such tension in our bodies. During those moments of feeling mentally disturbed or feeling emotional tension, getting directly to the root or source of those negative thought forms or energetic entities is how we are able to clarify the conditioning that has been implanted into our beings. In finally discovering this clarity, we are able to address the unresolved pain located in our consciousness body and clear all of the projections from our vessels that may have been good for those who influenced us but was never actually for us.
When we live a pathological life, we create a pathological society.
Pathology or being pathological is being in a state of disease, a state of dis-ease.
When we push away and ignore the presence of darkness and we continually tolerate harmful behaviour of senseless self-destruction (toward ourselves and others – as above, so below), the Light within us cries out louder and louder until we finally hear, listen, and look at it – typically through the presence of EXTREME DISCOMFORT and PAIN. The alchemical transmutation of pain into personal power is when we finally become the Love and Light that is able to shine from our presence. Through this integration process, out shines our becoming purpose and authentic expression. This process is not a process of mental or physical torture and self-harm, it is a simple process of observation in order to move THROUGH and experience that wasn’t FELT fully at the time of the trauma.
In order to transform this society that we have collectively created, we must put some form of effort into our lives and personas to be the kind of person we want to be and desire to see more of in the world. Be the change you wish to see in the world. This can be done in 4 steps and although they may seem redundant, stupid, or pointless (yes, I’m speaking to your shadow – you are seen too, dear one) – I assure you, your nervous system cannot distinguish the difference between reality and your imagination, only your conscious awareness can do that…
Get really clear on what you want to experience. Develop a vision of what you would like your life to be like in relation to the kind of person you want to become. What does the HIGHEST (not higher/lower, we aren’t perpetuating hierarchical patterns anymore) expression of yourself look like in this moment and in the future?
Construct an image in your mind, on paper, or vocally that would make it so. Using one of these three modalities (whichever resonates most) or all three if you desire, construct the image of what you would be experiencing, what it would be like, what will tell you that it is so, and what is or feels the most real to you.
Feel into the image using all your senses: taste, somatosensation/touch, olfactory/smell, audition/hearing, vision/sight, and a sense of time or balance. Get as detailed as possible to convince yourself, so that it is as if it is tangible. Allow yourself to feel fulfilled and immerse yourself completely in this sense of satisfaction – a sense of completion, that is has already happened or that it is done. This allows you to step into that sense of ease (instead of dis-ease) and back to centre so that you are not overwhelmed or swaying/floating away from ground.
Do your best to call in this feeling and break down this vision into smaller pieces that you can demonstrate every day in order to create a meaningful and connected life. Change is expected and inevitable, not a surprise, but we are human and creatures of habit, so this is where our challenge in this lies.
This practice will help you cultivate the motivation to take care of yourself properly. If you live in service to the greater whole (and yes, sometimes focus and service to self is a necessity before stepping into the greater whole, especially if you are a victim of abuse or trauma), your life will work out in the best possible way. It is completely okay if your service to the whole begins with true service to self and a pathway of self-honouring. In fact, I think we all need to start here in order to provide from a place of solid foundation and with an abundant/overflowing Cup of Love. You are wherever you are meant to be and my intention with this post is to reach everyone to some capacity.
I want you all to feel seen because you are worthy. You are so, so beautiful – you have simply forgotten how to recognize that beauty in ALL forms it decides to take because you have forgotten the Order in the Chaos.
There is nothing more practical in improving quality of life for yourself and other, than to solve the problems and obstacles that come as a result of committing to be the best person that you can be in this world. When we commit to ourselves this way, we can no longer tolerate behaviour or activity that is out of alignment with that intended goal-self. This is the embodiment of true integrity and self-actualization.
When we have a better comprehension of how conditioning or implanted thoughts are used to produce a pathological society, we can better discern the agenda and refuse to participate with it. The antidote to this worldwide nonsense and normalization of narcissism is connecting deeply with your inner spirit/heart/nervous system and anchoring yourself every day with higher emotional qualities like love, compassion, and empathy, and genuine care about what happens to the people and to the planet – because you are part of this planet and you are worthy of taking up space here.
Please only take what is useful for your personal growth and leave the rest. Thank you for your courage and bravery to be a truth-seeker.
May Eternal Love and Infinite Peace be with you. As Warriors, we Rise in Love never to Fall again.
Anchor Unconditional Love of Self into your Existence.
The most deeply rooted limiting belief that has anchored me to the traumas of my past is this: I am not fully seen, valued, loved, respected, or appreciated for exactly who I truly am. I need to meet other people’s expectations to be loved and accepted. Therefore, unless I HAVE to say something that’s bothering me, I should just figure out how to handle it independently. Sharing things that the other person might not agree with, do the same way, or also desire, could cause judgment, disengagement, and leave me with no source in which I could receive love.
Believing this has held me hostage in my own mind. Time and time again, I have held my own tongue when a want or need came up, simply to appease another person’s desires to look good in their eyes or to not be a burden on them.
In the past, when I didn’t share my own thoughts, feelings, or approaches to tasks, I stifled or downplayed, or at the very least ignored my value. By not voicing my needs or concerns, I was passive and I willingly, yet unknowingly, placed myself in the control of others. Should they show me love, I would think I had done the right thing. Should they show me hostility, I would think I had done the wrong thing. Doing or saying the right thing meant I was valuable and doing or saying the wrong thing meant I didn’t have value to add or perhaps that I had even made situations worse.
I told myself that I stayed quiet out of respect for the other person. Although in all actuality, I did this out of a belief that denying my own needs and adopting someone else’s needs or ways of operation, would mean that I would be loved. I have feared that speaking up would mean judgment or condemnation from others. It seems easier and less painful to go with the ways other are presenting as expectations when doing the opposite would threaten your connection with others.
Judgment, disengagement, and separation from our connection to feeling love – it’s the oldest trick in the book. Both masculine and feminine polarities have become separated from Source. For some period of time, people were hurting and were struggling to feel good, searching for that deep and loving relationship. Stepping into Christ Consciousness will change things for these people because that consciousness is the quality that can restore the connection between humans and Source on a quantum level.
Sometimes I forget that I’m not disconnected from my source of love anymore.
Sometimes I forget that I am so fully and deeply seen, valued, loved, respected, and appreciated.
Sometimes I forget that I have already been accepted into the most incredible family – that of humanity.
Sometimes I forget that I can trust this relationship.
Sometimes I forget that I don’t have to settle for just surviving, but that I am so beyond blessed to have both today and eternity to live into my cocreated kingdom.
Here’s to remembering. Here’s to speaking up. Here’s to myself – for not leaving me behind, and for helping me to follow truth, even when I pretend to be okay, passively letting other people lead my life. Here’s to repeating the process with more confidence the next time that old limiting belief tries to sneak back in ?
We all possess both polarities – you are not evil, you are not your shadow. We all possess both potentialities, in fact, infinite potentialities.
Your black heart, Anubis? It’s still good – there is still light there. Can’t see it? Feel it. Can’t feel it? Be open to the POSSIBILITY of feeling it.
It will hurt when you first let it in. It will almost burn when it touches the deepest, darkest parts of you. Let it burn – you will be okay, it is only the energy not serving you that is burning away – let your body do what it has always been meant to and able to do – heal; you are infinite, you are limitless, you are a walking miracle.
Acknowledge, accept, forgive, and integrate all aspects that make you, you. Is there something you dislike? Choose better, choose to experience the opposite. All we can do is be a little better than we were yesterday, every day. That is healing: to SLOWLY, at your own respective pace, experience the opposite – that is Thriving Through Trauma.
What potentiality are you choosing for yourself? What are you choosing to activate? If you feel that you have no choice; well, I’m here to break it to you that, that is you giving up your power willingly. Embrace your free will and take your power back – while you still can.. you will always be able to, but it may take some serious extra effort. Have you made some mistakes? Make amends – there couldn’t be a better time to express a little extra love. Trust that you’re being guided this way for a reason – even if it doesn’t make sense.
Embrace this energy portal we are collectively moving through and choose the reality you wish to step into – embody love, radiate love, for you are love.
The fear you feel is an echo of a past you can send love to – for you are love. So fill it with light, for you are light and love. Allow your darkness to understand that it, too, is light and love.
Fear is a lack of love – but how can you be afraid when you are love?
Just as darkness is an absence of light and it can be cleared by filling it with light; fear is an absence of love and can be cleared by being filled (at the very least to start surrounded) by love.
You have the power to say no to versions of yourself that you no longer resonate with – that does not mean you remove them from you forever, they will always be a part of you – but it is your choice whether to embody them.
Embody a little more love, every day, for you are love.
Come back to zero point and remember who the hell you are; Infinite love and eternal peace.
