I never distrusted myself more than when you shifted and started discarding me. I’ve only really started seeing the truth of it all now.
Sure, one could argue that I couldn’t have got to such a dark place again if it wasn’t already within me, but you were supposed to be my safe place. You promised to be my safe place.
You dropped me in your lies and I believed you.
However, I’m not entirely innocent; you see, I enmeshed you into my own vision, so I brought it on myself. I may have called you in… but you physically manifested me, so you are also far from innocent in this dear one.
I am so deeply sorry for abandoning myself for you and I am in solace to myself above all else.
Even when I fell before it was not to the degree you brought me to – I had not known a darkness like that prior… Yet now I do and I wish I could un-know it.
Had I not already been handed enough destruction? I am sorry you are in so much internal pain, you didn’t deserve it; but I certainly didn’t deserve to have it thrust upon me in retaliation because you got comfortable with someone other than your Mother. I stand in that statement for what I thrust upon you too, but I was grieving – in shock – crumbling and reaching for support.
Alas, you watched me sob in this twisted stoic pleasure – as if you were almost satisfied with my puddled confusion and attempts to understand, be seen, recognized, and to connect… that’s all it was while I was hurt.
So, behold me now: I’m still here.
I am a remarkable Being, a phenomenal woman. I survived when all around me died and I did MORE than survive, I am thriving again. I’ve lived alone and feral in the Heart of Nature herself, but I was never truly alone.
I used to wonder why the wolves never hunted and the bears avoided me. Why I never succumbed to illness or have felt ill to rotten food or stagnant water since slowly beginning to eliminate you from my life; and how even in the depths of winter I have since never developed sickness. I have since never been short of food – never went hungry, never slipped into poverty, never even broke a bone or chipped a tooth.
As plagues devastate the world, I remain unscathed.
Truly, I live a charmed life without you because I accepted what you are as part of myself. In that you have been completely dissolved in the Light that I AM and WE ARE together.
If enemies come in search of me, they become lost. If trappers or traitors ever hunt me for reward again, they come to sudden and mysterious ends.
Death has always protected me, has been my Shadow, my Guardian. I’ve been kept safe and divinely protected because I am needed. I am of value. People need me today, just as I have always wanted to be needed.
Being abandoned and orphaned as a child, being left alone for years to run wild should have made me selfish, greedy, and perhaps even a little mad; and yet I am none of those things. It is a testament to my courage, my strength of will, my integrity; when I have food to spare, I share it, even when I had little enough for myself.
I care for others in ways that I, myself, have never been cared for; I keep coming back to this Realm simply so that I have more time to help those that need it. It has been subtle until now because for too long I have hidden my passion for justice behind an uncaring facade. Few know who I actually AM and those who do assume that I am only interested in myself.
Even you, who thinks he knows me better than anyone alive, knows absolutely nothing about me.
He does not know the reality of my energy signature – he made sure to try and destroy her before she had a chance.
Thank you for the lessons; may you heal and return to innocence so your Light too can impact those who need it, or be consumed by your own Inverted Truth…
After all, it is ultimately your choice.
May Eternal Love and Infinite Peace Be with You Always
This second episode is a continuation of what I started in February of 2019. I released the first episode and promptly fell into more trauma including a car accident, sexual assault at work, and a nasty lingering break-up. I do not go into detail about WHAT caused me to lose my momentum, but rather WHY and HOW one deters from their intended path in the first place.
This episode touches on procrastination, self-sabotage, neuroplasticity, the four stages of competence, the three stages of trauma recovery, and more… Thank you for you patience with me in this release, technology was attacking me the entire time I tried to record this – so I hope you enjoy!!
Episode 2 Transcript:
Alright. Let’s scratch everything I had pre-written for this episode because, since March 2019, when I initially started writing this one… guess what? LIFE HIT ME AGAIN WITH ANOTHER CURVE BALL THAT I WASN’T READY FOR… and then another… and then another… and now it’s been over two years. Who can relate? Who else feels like every time they embark on something new or get settled into something that they are actually happy with – that SOME OUTSIDE FORCE has it in for them and uproots any plans they had in place?
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT… to an extent. How would you feel if I told you that you did have SOME control over your external reality? You may not be able to control the events that occur around you or the other people in your life, but you can control your reaction to them – you can control what is happening WITHIN you. It IS POSSIBLE to get to a place where you can essentially choose your emotional response to something outside of yourself, even if you may not feel like you are there right now.
Now, I’m not saying it’s EASY to get to this place, or that one can get to it overnight – everyone’s process and journey is different, and everyone learns at a different pace. Heck, I’m still recalibrating my own system – and I’ve improved significantly!! Look, I’m actually writing again… Regardless, when you’re trying to learn how to control or at the very least, UNDERSTAND this part of yourself, it is almost inevitable that procrastination will ensue due to your lack of personal emotional control and intrinsic understanding. Or maybe your intrinsic understanding has been established to such a degree that you simply stop yourself because you know that sharing yourself in this new way will show your vulnerability and humanness to others? I’m here to share with you that, THAT, that vulnerability is exactly what this world needs right now – to know and see that vulnerability and humanness is okay. We have been dehumanized as a collective and we inadvertently have done this to ourselves because we were operating on a lower level of consciousness. We’re waking up. We are stepping into our individual alignments, but we are fragmented and are still trying to control parts of ourselves that rebel against any threat that seems to be trying to take away their autonomy – we are rebelling against ourselves due to a misguided sense of self-love. Self-sabotage isn’t real, but I’ll get into detail on that in a later episode.
I digress, I’m going to stop using the word control for a moment because I can feel this resistance coming up within me as I write. There is a part inside of myself that resists doing what I know is in alignment with myself because in the past, I have been shamed for doing what I enjoy. So, as a result, as soon as I start doing what I enjoy… I find some way to have it shut down either by placing blame on things or those around me or by distracting myself with an activity that I think would be more productive in the bigger picture or better for someone else, for that moment… In doing this, I keep getting myself stuck and surrounded by feelings, environments, and people that feel – familiar, but I recognize don’t necessarily meet my needs because I don’t feel good when I experience and embrace these things. Calling myself out here. This part that is resistant to me experiencing the joy I have cultivated for myself through writing, art and science, or teaching… is the same part that struggled with feelings of self-worth or was denied innocence and wonder while growing up. Complacency and apathy become an easier option when one is so psychologically exhausted from a single or series of trauma. In terms of complex trauma diagnoses, this pattern can then get confused for general anxiety, therapy-resistant depression, or a multitude of other mental health issues – I’ll elaborate on this in future episodes as well. It’s a vicious cycle of “self-sabotage” that leads to procrastination, a lack of motivation, and feelings of worthlessness because you can feel yourself choosing not to act or care – because it’s familiar… and easy. However, once you’re in awareness, you CAN make this cycle work FOR you instead. This starts by recognizing the protection mechanism at play in this cycle and you are not actually turning against yourself in those moments, instead – your fragmented system is trying to cultivate safety – all parts of yourself are simply trying to cultivate safety.
Intro
This cycle that I’m referring to usually begins with an event or setback in your external reality, one seemingly out of your control. The way you choose respond will determine how this cycle will roll out.
I’m not going to pretend I invented these cycles, as anyone who has done any personal development will be familiar with the TFAR cycle and Big Mo – your thoughts attract your feelings which determine the action you will take, thus giving you your results. In basic terms, it is the Law of Cause and Effect. Big Mo refers to Momentum or Newton’s First Law – where an object at rest tends to stay at rest, or if in motion will stay in motion, unless acted upon by an outside force.
Now, an individual who has suffered through and survived something traumatic will usually respond in an almost automated or obedient way, until they gain awareness of their pattern and can start stabilizing themselves through support groups, creative outlets, psychotherapy, and LOTS of internal “shadow work”. This cycle can occur with events that are supposedly positive as well, such as getting engaged/married, buying a house, or having a baby. Allow me to explain my version of the TFAR cycle in terms of complex PTSD.
The negative emotions and logical process that I’m referring to are usually coming from an automated subconscious area of our psyche that allows us to tell ourselves that what occurred is our faults. That the event in question was unavoidable and we DESERVED it; for many of us survivors, this pathway in our brains would have been created during our development as children when we were too young discern what was happening to us. That an abuser decided to abuse someone vulnerable or well-meaning loved ones were acting from their own wounding, rather than anything we inherently did. We can end up taking ownership of the situation, rather than observing it from a third-party perspective and are unable to detach. Either that, or we are TOO detached and can enter a place of denial when the trauma is too much to accept that it’s reality, so we essentially dissociate from any responsibility and become apathetic. In either case, it leads to the self-sabotaging act of procrastination. Then, we either panic and are unable to take decisive action because of how ungrounded and guilty we feel from blaming ourselves for what happened or, we reach a point of stagnancy from simply not wanting to accept the event. We find ourselves in a downward and unmotivated spiral of terribleness and darkness that seems to never lighten up. Like Newton’s First Law, you are at rest or the event that has occurred as placed you at rest. What we never really understand until we become aware of it, is that WE are the force that will get us moving again. Sure, we can find motivation or inspiration from things like podcasts, books, or whatever else humans decided to create and share – but WE are the only thing that will actually make a difference by the actions we choose to take, and the feelings we choose to feel.
I’m going to take a moment for a quick disclaimer regarding the “feelings we choose to feel” that I just stated. I do understand how it feels to not be in control of your feelings and I want you to understand that when your nervous system is fragmented, it can be very difficult to connect to the original part of you that a particular emotion is coming from without the help of a therapist or safe loved one. If you are struggling with emotional regulation, reach out to me for a free 15-minute consultation and I will either work with you to create a plan that we can work together on, or point you in the right direction for your individual needs.
To get back on topic, choosing to want to change will attract to us the necessary tools that will help elicit that change. It really is up to us though – everything is – when you allow other people or situations to control how you respond; you are literally taking away your own power and CHOOSING to be the victim. That’s the message I tried to get across in my first episode. You can be an actual victim of circumstance, yes that is the reality of the event that occurred, but how you respond and attach yourself to the situation is what will determine if you are actually a victim. I want to stress how sorry I am that what happened, happened. You didn’t deserve it, you have never deserved anything aside from love, safety, and support. Please see that we are in this together.
I also want to say before I move on, that if you’re here and you’re recognizing that this is your cycle – THAT’S OKAY, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU FOR BEING HERE AND YOU ARE EXACTLY WHERE YOU NEED TO BE RIGHT NOW. However, now that you’re AWARE of where you are, it is up to you to figure out if you want to stay there or not. What do you actually want your life to look like? How do you actually want to feel? Change cannot occur unless awareness and conscious perception is present. For instance, it is a lot easier for me to sit back and read/prepare everything I want to put into my podcast episodes than choosing to sit down and write out my thoughts – and finally record them. I can tell you from personal experience that even doing SOMETHING is better than doing nothing, listen to yourself; and no, how you do anything is not how you do everything – different things will resonate with us for a time and then may stop and we have to put it down – AND THAT IS OKAY.
Alright, so how does this cycle differ for someone who has done the work and is on the right path to a TRULY mentally healthy state?
Firstly, the event itself is not necessarily what is traumatic – it is the individual’s experience of the event that makes it traumatic, and this is because different individuals have differing windows of tolerance. A window of tolerance refers to the individual’s ability to cope. I’ll get more into trauma responses and the window of tolerance in another episode. For now, I’ll focus on the same event, but an alternative cycle.
Say a mentally healthy person experiences the same event – someone with a much wider window of tolerance because they have done the work or were simply taught secure attachment during development. They may experience all the same emotions as you just did, but they found a way to firstly get grounded and react from a place of stability – whether that has been done through the use of tools to help them in that situation or reaching out to someone for help who WILL ACTUALLY PROVIDE SUPPORT AND COMFORT. Sometimes victims of abuse will instinctively reach out to someone they KNOW has responded incorrectly to their needs in the past out of past conditioning and what they have learned love and support to be. True love and support do not shame – regardless of how you chose to respond when your trigger is active. True love and support react in a calm and grounded manner, setting a healthy boundary for themselves if your trigger is causing them harm or discomfort through their own self-expression, and are able to work with you to regulate your nervous system back into its window of tolerance or neutrality.
Now with that said I can continue the cycle explanation; the decisive action that the mentally healthy individual would take in the presence of an event occurring is one of three things: deliberate no action and simple observation (not the same as fawning in the flight, fight, freeze, and fawn model of trauma responses), some action that can neutralize or rectify the situation at hand, or some action that may not fix the situation entirely, but will make it a little easier to move on from or can at least get them to safety in that moment. The mentally healthy person also knows that even though it may FEEL like a decision needs to be made right away, this is rarely the case. Heck, sometimes the mentally healthy person will take DAYS to process an event, ideally with their support group or however they best emotionally regulate themselves – depending on what happened, obviously. It is when this processing turns into weeks, months, or years, or the events are a chronic and regular occurrence, that we begin to have real problems with our productivity and self-admiration or respect. When processing is taking this long, it is also usually due to us being unconsciously incompetent – I’ll get into this in a moment!
For clarification’s sake, ‘processing’ is the term that I like to use to refer to the act of becoming grounded and utilizing “positive” emotion and logic to one’s benefit. When one is trying to attain stabilization in the beginning, the processing timeframe will almost inevitably be longer (most likely a few months up to years depending on an individual’s self-awareness). Regardless of the event, all parts of ourselves have the goal of keeping us safe in any given moment – healing is healthy communication between parts of self. This protection part can take over completely in dangerous scenarios and healing from such traumas involve a conversation that is internal or with a therapist/trauma-informed coach between the adult self that experienced the trauma and the enacting part that fragmented during that traumatic moment. The unfortunate reality of our world is that so many of us were not adults when we went through something that may have been traumatizing to us and since it occurred during our neural development in the first 25 years of life, we typically accept what happened to us as something that is normal or should be expected… and then we wonder why we aren’t happy.
The point of me addressing all of this with you, as well as my version of it, is this: we live in a conscious universe (as newer Quantum Theories will dictate), and everything is energy on a basic level. Nikola Tesla said, “If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration.” Assuming the universe is conscious, and everything is energy and frequency, then it makes sense that certain events (like stress) will be attracted to you, if that is what you are exuding – even if from a place of automation or subconscious. It may seem like a harsh truth, but I promise you that things did not start changing for me until I accepted this for myself. Until I consciously started choosing to be in the present moment, there has been no in-between for how I responded to something. When something happened, it was either the best thing in the entire world, or the most devastating event that could have happened in the history of the world, ever. Mind you, I still have moments like this and sometimes when no one else is around to tell me to tone it down a notch, I need to do that for myself – as do you. Drastic up and down moods or experiences are a classic symptom of CPTSD, bipolar disorder, and several other mental health issues from the DSM-5. With that said, your trauma and successes are valid and not worth comparing to anyone else. However, bringing your awareness to the forefront of how you are responding to a particular event is the first step in stabilization and being aware of your patterns and tendencies can be frustrating in and of itself.
Congratulations though! Now that you are becoming AWARE of the steps you need to take; you have reached a place of conscious incompetence! I’m sure my fellow psychology and neuroscience nerds know I’m talking about the second stage of competence. Like me, many of you may even feel as though you have been stuck or migrating back and forth between this stage and stage three: conscious competence.
Time to get your note-pads out if you haven’t already! There are four stages of competence and they are: unconscious incompetence, conscious incompetence, conscious competence, and unconscious competence. These stages apply whenever you are learning a new skill. Ah, yes, the ability to regulate your emotions is a skill and comes with experience or conscious practice (as we saw from the Pixar movie, Inside Out).
Stage one or unconscious incompetence is when one is unaware of the skill and lacks proficiency.
Stage two or conscious incompetence is when one is aware of the skill, but not yet proficient.
Stage three or conscious competence is when one is able to USE the skill, but only with effort (and believe me, sometimes it requires A LOT of effort).
Lastly, stage four or unconscious competence is when one’s ability to perform the skill becomes automatic, much like one’s automated and unaware responses in stage one.
So, why is understanding this process important? Well, because the skill you just acquired can be honed even deeper – this, too, is a cycle. Oh, joy. Nature is cyclical, we are cyclical, as we are ALL part of the natural order.
Life has a funny way of making us feel as though we have mastered something, only to pull us back to re-live certain lessons we thought we had already learned. We are constantly being shown deeper and deeper levels of the same lessons. My entire year this year, has been like that and I’m sure MANY of you can relate to me. Honestly, if you asked me in 2014 if I had control and mastery of my emotions – I probably would have told you that I 100% did. However, when an individual’s trauma runs deep, either into their childhood or remains unresolved, our nervous systems can trick us into thinking we are more stable than we are on deeper levels of our psyche. This is where the term “high-functioning” stems from… Certain parts of self will take over for others if it allows us to feel as though we are moving on from a particular circumstance. When this happens and we become unconsciously competent at not fully integrating our experiences into ourselves, then the next big event life throws at you will set you back what seems like YEARS as you start repeating the patterns you picked up immediately following your first trauma or excitement. You try to stabilize the best way you know how, and how you did it before – only to find out that those methods are no longer working for you. This is why you are still listening to me.
This is neural plasticity in action – the ability of your brain cells to establish new connections or re-establish old connections based on external stimuli. Personal development and self-help books/podcasts will only take an individual so far. This is why trauma-focussed psychotherapy or trauma-informed coaching is so important because one is able to work WITH someone else that they have established trust with, in order to properly go through the Stages of Trauma Recovery. Firstly, the therapist or coach helps the client overcome their recognized dysregulation. Secondly, that therapist or coach using techniques like EMDR, hypnotherapy, or mind-body (somatic) therapies in order to help their client come to terms with the traumatic memory. Lastly, that therapist or coach helps the client fully integrate the memory into their life-long experience and move on once and for all. Moving forward for the time being, may feel positive and like it is helping in the moment, but it is not a permanent solution. Future episodes and content release will focus on the Neurobiology of Trauma and how to treat it – so that you can take this information to the right people and to get yourself back in order.
Self-Mastery is a life-long process because so many things can factor into our ability to do so, but there is a silver lining to this task. YOU are the ONLY one you have to spend the rest of your life with; thus, in my opinion, mastering yourself should be your primary focus so that you can bring that peace you eventually find within yourself, to other people. The beauty of humanity is that we all have our own ways of going about it and when we are open to it, we start attracting individuals who are willing to master themselves alongside us. Regardless, it all begins with overcoming the dysregulation (extensive emotional highs/lows) that we are experiencing through first establishing safety and stabilization. The next episode I release will begin with a detailed explanation of the three Stages of Trauma Recovery, adapted from Herman (1992). I intended to do this for this episode, but I wanted to be sure I covered the basics – before the basics – first. Also it’s been two years and I kind of needed to pre-frame and explain what was going on. After that, well, we’ll see where it goes – maybe I’ll tell you about my chaotic albeit beautiful two years.
I’ll leave you with another Nikola Tesla quote to ponder in the meantime though:
“The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite insane.”
Maybe it’s the neuro-atypical individuals that will unlock the secrets to our universe? I suppose only time will tell… Until next time: Katie out.
Taking Responsibility for our Darkness, Shadow, Integration, and Having Created a Pathological Society
I dare say that nearly all of us in this world find ourselves fleeting between a path of “enlightenment” or abundance and one of suffering or disconnection. Most people in this world are fragmented internally due to previous generational trauma or as a by-product of direct traumatic experience (relative to the individual) in our upbringing. However, few of this majority are willing to take responsibility for this fragmentation or even look at it as a possibility as to why their life isn’t the way they want or expected it to be. When we refuse to pay attention to these events or reflect on our own behaviours that have brought us down a more self-sabotaging and darker path, we cannot feel truly fulfilled and are unable to step fully into our Light and personal power. In order to do this, we need to take a good look at ourselves and be open to seeing our mistakes and the places where we need to improve our competence in life-management. When we do this, we are able to be more authentic and open in our expression to ourselves and others, so that self-reliability and self-trust can be further integrated and embodied.
I can already hear some of you thinking, “Okay, Katie, but HOW are we supposed to integrate and embody these fragmented parts of ourselves? No one has ever taught me.”
You won’t like hearing this, but one cannot truly be self-realized until they are willing to face their darkness and shadow aspects. This is how integration works because the more you push away and DENY these darker parts of yourself, the further fragmented you become. There is a shift that happens when you acknowledge that “daemon” for what it is – a protective part of you. Allow me to try and make more sense of this for you…
Think about the outcast in the schoolyard, if this outcast was you – then hello there, kindred soul. I see you. That person tried their hardest to fit in, but they were different, estranged, eccentric, weird… until someone came along and met them where they were at and established connection. Often these individuals try to change themselves in order to be accepted by those around them. This is the same thing that occurs within us. These shadow parts came to be because at some point – they were not included or felt unsafe, and you needed to survive. It really is that simple. We humans love to complicate simplicity and singularity thanks to our beautiful imaginative consciousness. If we can be objective and see our misguided thinking without judging ourselves as higher or lower, good or bad, then we can start welcoming that lost part back into the internal system. We need to remember that there is much more to this world than betraying yourself in order feel seen and understood by another. Source made no mistake at all with you – nothing is broken even if it feels like it sometimes, I promise you that much.
The key in this work is to remain open hearted and be willing to evolve and change. Some hedonistic parts of us need to “die” in order for us to be “reborn” as a phoenix rising from the ashes of inferno because these parts no longer serve our entire being. The things we act on and choose when in a state of survival and fear are not sustainable long-term solutions to every upheaval.
Yet, due to the feelings of uncertainty and the compelling need to protect ourselves, this change can be terrifying – especially when all we have known is that feeling of needing to survive. Healing occurs when we start making different choices and cultivating safety for ourselves where we may not have had that same power before, because we were children. As adults, or individuals who have relieved themselves from the environment that caused the discomfort in the first place, we can go within (or work with a healer, coach, therapist) to re-establish and understand what CALM actually means or feels like – most of us, do not know what CALM and PEACE actually is, we think we do… but when our life isn’t where we want it to be, something else (usually a fragmented part of self or personal attachment) is animating our vessels/bodies and we deprive not just ourselves, but others from who we are at our core. Re-parenting and utilizing the readily available therapeutic resources that may not have been there for those of our previous generations, can profoundly shift the quality of our life and by proxy, the life of others.
Since we are all part of the human collective, we really are one and the same despite perceived differences. Thus, when we take responsibility for the darkest areas of ourselves, we are thereby looking at the inner areas doing things that commit harm to ourself and others, that we know deep down are not in our or their best interest. Doing so is us making the choice to discipline ourselves into stopping those harmful thoughts, behaviours, and actions.
“Okay, I am starting to follow what you’re saying, but why would we choose to do this when this is how we know and have learned to establish safety already?”
Well, let’s be honest with ourselves for a moment: we know they are not positive or productive thoughts, behaviours, and actions – even if they served at one point.
If we know they are not beneficial, then simply having that awareness to move towards more benefitting actions will start to ripple changes out into our energetic field and the world around us. Science has shown that everything is energy at the ultimate basis of it all, and this includes us. Beginning to upgrade our energy field this way begins to allow us to rearrange our lives to be based in truth and clear out the conditioning of our not-selves.
Most of adulthood is remembering what you were taught to forget in your upbringing – remembering the energy that you came here with and has actually never left your core-self. In this remembering we are able to begin aligning more closely with the positive presence of personal truth. Allowing ourselves to be this deeply honest with ourselves is a process that reveals even more of what we need to address more truthfully so that we may evolve into our highest expression of personal potential.
Listening to that truth within is the mechanism that allows us to dissipate any internal stress that we may be feeling and clarify our thoughts or feelings that may be producing such tension in our bodies. During those moments of feeling mentally disturbed or feeling emotional tension, getting directly to the root or source of those negative thought forms or energetic entities is how we are able to clarify the conditioning that has been implanted into our beings. In finally discovering this clarity, we are able to address the unresolved pain located in our consciousness body and clear all of the projections from our vessels that may have been good for those who influenced us but was never actually for us.
When we live a pathological life, we create a pathological society.
Pathology or being pathological is being in a state of disease, a state of dis-ease.
When we push away and ignore the presence of darkness and we continually tolerate harmful behaviour of senseless self-destruction (toward ourselves and others – as above, so below), the Light within us cries out louder and louder until we finally hear, listen, and look at it – typically through the presence of EXTREME DISCOMFORT and PAIN. The alchemical transmutation of pain into personal power is when we finally become the Love and Light that is able to shine from our presence. Through this integration process, out shines our becoming purpose and authentic expression. This process is not a process of mental or physical torture and self-harm, it is a simple process of observation in order to move THROUGH and experience that wasn’t FELT fully at the time of the trauma.
In order to transform this society that we have collectively created, we must put some form of effort into our lives and personas to be the kind of person we want to be and desire to see more of in the world. Be the change you wish to see in the world. This can be done in 4 steps and although they may seem redundant, stupid, or pointless (yes, I’m speaking to your shadow – you are seen too, dear one) – I assure you, your nervous system cannot distinguish the difference between reality and your imagination, only your conscious awareness can do that…
Get really clear on what you want to experience. Develop a vision of what you would like your life to be like in relation to the kind of person you want to become. What does the HIGHEST (not higher/lower, we aren’t perpetuating hierarchical patterns anymore) expression of yourself look like in this moment and in the future?
Construct an image in your mind, on paper, or vocally that would make it so. Using one of these three modalities (whichever resonates most) or all three if you desire, construct the image of what you would be experiencing, what it would be like, what will tell you that it is so, and what is or feels the most real to you.
Feel into the image using all your senses: taste, somatosensation/touch, olfactory/smell, audition/hearing, vision/sight, and a sense of time or balance. Get as detailed as possible to convince yourself, so that it is as if it is tangible. Allow yourself to feel fulfilled and immerse yourself completely in this sense of satisfaction – a sense of completion, that is has already happened or that it is done. This allows you to step into that sense of ease (instead of dis-ease) and back to centre so that you are not overwhelmed or swaying/floating away from ground.
Do your best to call in this feeling and break down this vision into smaller pieces that you can demonstrate every day in order to create a meaningful and connected life. Change is expected and inevitable, not a surprise, but we are human and creatures of habit, so this is where our challenge in this lies.
This practice will help you cultivate the motivation to take care of yourself properly. If you live in service to the greater whole (and yes, sometimes focus and service to self is a necessity before stepping into the greater whole, especially if you are a victim of abuse or trauma), your life will work out in the best possible way. It is completely okay if your service to the whole begins with true service to self and a pathway of self-honouring. In fact, I think we all need to start here in order to provide from a place of solid foundation and with an abundant/overflowing Cup of Love. You are wherever you are meant to be and my intention with this post is to reach everyone to some capacity.
I want you all to feel seen because you are worthy. You are so, so beautiful – you have simply forgotten how to recognize that beauty in ALL forms it decides to take because you have forgotten the Order in the Chaos.
There is nothing more practical in improving quality of life for yourself and other, than to solve the problems and obstacles that come as a result of committing to be the best person that you can be in this world. When we commit to ourselves this way, we can no longer tolerate behaviour or activity that is out of alignment with that intended goal-self. This is the embodiment of true integrity and self-actualization.
When we have a better comprehension of how conditioning or implanted thoughts are used to produce a pathological society, we can better discern the agenda and refuse to participate with it. The antidote to this worldwide nonsense and normalization of narcissism is connecting deeply with your inner spirit/heart/nervous system and anchoring yourself every day with higher emotional qualities like love, compassion, and empathy, and genuine care about what happens to the people and to the planet – because you are part of this planet and you are worthy of taking up space here.
Please only take what is useful for your personal growth and leave the rest. Thank you for your courage and bravery to be a truth-seeker.
May Eternal Love and Infinite Peace be with you. As Warriors, we Rise in Love never to Fall again.
Anchor Unconditional Love of Self into your Existence.
The most deeply rooted limiting belief that has anchored me to the traumas of my past is this: I am not fully seen, valued, loved, respected, or appreciated for exactly who I truly am. I need to meet other people’s expectations to be loved and accepted. Therefore, unless I HAVE to say something that’s bothering me, I should just figure out how to handle it independently. Sharing things that the other person might not agree with, do the same way, or also desire, could cause judgment, disengagement, and leave me with no source in which I could receive love.
Believing this has held me hostage in my own mind. Time and time again, I have held my own tongue when a want or need came up, simply to appease another person’s desires to look good in their eyes or to not be a burden on them.
In the past, when I didn’t share my own thoughts, feelings, or approaches to tasks, I stifled or downplayed, or at the very least ignored my value. By not voicing my needs or concerns, I was passive and I willingly, yet unknowingly, placed myself in the control of others. Should they show me love, I would think I had done the right thing. Should they show me hostility, I would think I had done the wrong thing. Doing or saying the right thing meant I was valuable and doing or saying the wrong thing meant I didn’t have value to add or perhaps that I had even made situations worse.
I told myself that I stayed quiet out of respect for the other person. Although in all actuality, I did this out of a belief that denying my own needs and adopting someone else’s needs or ways of operation, would mean that I would be loved. I have feared that speaking up would mean judgment or condemnation from others. It seems easier and less painful to go with the ways other are presenting as expectations when doing the opposite would threaten your connection with others.
Judgment, disengagement, and separation from our connection to feeling love – it’s the oldest trick in the book. Both masculine and feminine polarities have become separated from Source. For some period of time, people were hurting and were struggling to feel good, searching for that deep and loving relationship. Stepping into Christ Consciousness will change things for these people because that consciousness is the quality that can restore the connection between humans and Source on a quantum level.
Sometimes I forget that I’m not disconnected from my source of love anymore.
Sometimes I forget that I am so fully and deeply seen, valued, loved, respected, and appreciated.
Sometimes I forget that I have already been accepted into the most incredible family – that of humanity.
Sometimes I forget that I can trust this relationship.
Sometimes I forget that I don’t have to settle for just surviving, but that I am so beyond blessed to have both today and eternity to live into my cocreated kingdom.
Here’s to remembering. Here’s to speaking up. Here’s to myself – for not leaving me behind, and for helping me to follow truth, even when I pretend to be okay, passively letting other people lead my life. Here’s to repeating the process with more confidence the next time that old limiting belief tries to sneak back in ?
We all possess both polarities – you are not evil, you are not your shadow. We all possess both potentialities, in fact, infinite potentialities.
Your black heart, Anubis? It’s still good – there is still light there. Can’t see it? Feel it. Can’t feel it? Be open to the POSSIBILITY of feeling it.
It will hurt when you first let it in. It will almost burn when it touches the deepest, darkest parts of you. Let it burn – you will be okay, it is only the energy not serving you that is burning away – let your body do what it has always been meant to and able to do – heal; you are infinite, you are limitless, you are a walking miracle.
Acknowledge, accept, forgive, and integrate all aspects that make you, you. Is there something you dislike? Choose better, choose to experience the opposite. All we can do is be a little better than we were yesterday, every day. That is healing: to SLOWLY, at your own respective pace, experience the opposite – that is Thriving Through Trauma.
What potentiality are you choosing for yourself? What are you choosing to activate? If you feel that you have no choice; well, I’m here to break it to you that, that is you giving up your power willingly. Embrace your free will and take your power back – while you still can.. you will always be able to, but it may take some serious extra effort. Have you made some mistakes? Make amends – there couldn’t be a better time to express a little extra love. Trust that you’re being guided this way for a reason – even if it doesn’t make sense.
Embrace this energy portal we are collectively moving through and choose the reality you wish to step into – embody love, radiate love, for you are love.
The fear you feel is an echo of a past you can send love to – for you are love. So fill it with light, for you are light and love. Allow your darkness to understand that it, too, is light and love.
Fear is a lack of love – but how can you be afraid when you are love?
Just as darkness is an absence of light and it can be cleared by filling it with light; fear is an absence of love and can be cleared by being filled (at the very least to start surrounded) by love.
You have the power to say no to versions of yourself that you no longer resonate with – that does not mean you remove them from you forever, they will always be a part of you – but it is your choice whether to embody them.
Embody a little more love, every day, for you are love.
Come back to zero point and remember who the hell you are; Infinite love and eternal peace.
This first episode is a concise summary of my plans for this project… It is starting out as an audio journal for myself to document my insights from my own trauma-based psychotherapy, in order for me to stay more grounded and present in my daily life. If what I share happens to help even one person, then my work here is done. Who knows what this will turn into in the coming months and years, but that is the most exciting (and terrifying) part of all this! Personally, my challenges stem from complex post-traumatic stress disorder or CPTSD, but other mental health topics will be discussed. In addition, I’ll try my best to provide tools and real-life examples that have been working for me through my healing process thus far!
Eventually, interviews and various other conversation topics (including metaphysics, spirituality, quantum theory, and neuroscience) will be integrated into the story that will come from this endeavour. For now, let us work on re-establishing safety and stability within ourselves to overcome dysregulation in our daily interactions – together 🙂
Episode 1 Transcript:
Hi there everyone! I’m going to be cliché and start this off with a quote: It just occurred to me that many people in this world are actually afraid to heal because their entire identity is centered around the trauma they’ve experienced. They have no idea who they are outside of trauma and that unknown can be terrifying. Google tells me that is from Ebonee Davis – my apologies if that is incorrect, aha.
So… I guess I’m finally recording this thing. Wow. I wonder what the determining motivational factor was that prompted me to actually take action after all these months of… we’ll call it planning? Mmm.. no, healing, but don’t be fooled – I’m still healing.
Maybe I genuinely just want to relate to and help people.
Maybe I needed a place to vent and express myself that wasn’t as private as a journal and more efficient than painting or sketching like I used to…
Maybe I’m curious to see if this too, will blow up in my face. Or rather, that it will be a face-slapping success. That’s the part that scares me.
Maybe I finally got so fed up with the bullshit I was allowing into and creating for my life, that I just had to say that enough is enough and move in a new direction for my own sake.
Or maybe it’s only when things get so dark around and inside of you, that you have no other choice than to figure out how to turn on your light within.
The only thing that I know is certain is that I am goddamn terrified to release this or any subsequent episodes because I have never authentically loved myself in public before.
Too late now, I guess…
Intro
Firstly, HELLO LISTENERS! I’m Katie and this is my podcast: Thriving Through Trauma, using pain to reclaim your power. What a happy accident that you have stumbled onto my new personal project. I’m genuinely super grateful that you have chosen to give me a chance. Thank you.
I would like to tell you that all my episodes won’t start out as existentially-questioning as this one did, but that would be making false promises to you – which isn’t fair to either of us. It is almost like I am constantly experiencing an existential crisis, perhaps you are too, and that is why you’re listening to my voice. I’m not going to lie, I am in the middle of my healing journey (hence the title of this podcast) and because of that – this project might have a rather messy start and then simply remain messy. I’m not sure, but however it turns out, it will be beautiful. There is much I have already worked through in regard to my trauma/past/life experience/childhood wounds (whatever you want to call it, really), but there is still much more that I am working towards integrating and grounding within myself. Eh, we’ll see what happens!
Let’s be honest, you must have had some idea that this wouldn’t be all sunshine, rainbows, puppies, and kittens… I mean, it’s in the title – you’re here, listening to my voice because you have been through, are in, or have transcended some sort of traumatic experience in your life. Or perhaps you’re one of the lucky few who haven’t and you’re curious, bored, or listening for some other personal or perhaps educational reason. Whatever brought you here, I’m glad to be in your ear.
While we are being honest, I have no idea what you should expect from this podcast in terms of feeling, content, anything, really. Chances are, you will experience a variety of emotion and certainly not all of them will make you feel triumphant. However, I do hope to help you see the light in all experiences and emotion that does arise and the potential purpose of it all. Either way, if either of us have expectations of what this will become – then I’m sure we’ll both be disappointed.
Alas – I digress, I did post a video back in August explaining what my purpose for this podcast was, but then a slight hiccup occurred, and I had to rebrand and rename all previous efforts and start from scratch. So, this episode will be a reiteration of that video that has since been taken down, so that new listeners can understand why this exists in the first place, and my returning audience can hear it again. Repetition is key after all because maybe there’s something you heard the first time that didn’t or won’t resonate with you until later.
Either way, I am telling all of you now that you may not be comfortable with how raw, authentic, and vulnerable I will be with this project. Some of the topics I discuss might TRIGGER you (or myself for that matter) … Good, let them do that and let’s allow ourselves to be triggered. For it is when we are triggered that we may discover areas of our psyche that need our attention, love, and light in order to transcend and heal. It is only when we resist that trigger rather than embracing it for what it is and then letting it go, that it will persist. I think that goes for most things though… Personally, I find that the only things that matter in this world are those that have come out of pain and trauma – whether it be personal or global. The depth at which we can love one another is also reflective of our pain and trauma as individuals and a collective. Music, poetry, art, scientific innovation, philosophy; it is all wonderful and so much of it has come out of the desire to improve situations and feelings for all of us.
Okay, guys. This podcast will be a nice little soup of personal accounts and insights from my own psychotherapy sessions as I work to heal my complex PTSD, eventual neuroscientific detail and explanation regarding the healing process of CPSTD and other dissociative disorders, eventually some interviews with other individuals whom have transformed their own trauma into what triumph is for them, and a variety of other ingredients just to spice things up every once in a while! Those ingredients range from various scientific and quantum theories, to belief systems, to complete nonsense. As with our healing process, we have an unpredictable road of exploration ahead.
This project has a few different purposes. Firstly, it is to be an activity for myself that allows me to maintain presence in the moment and attain calmness within by providing me an outlet to get in deeper touch with myself, so I can improve my recollection of the occurrences in my life. I had been finding that I was losing moments, days, weeks at a time before I started documenting my thoughts. Second, it is for you, whomever may be listening; to help awaken you to what you might need to heal within yourself, along with provide you the courage to get the help you know that you need deep down. Whether that help is sought after through psychotherapy, close friends and family, listening to this podcast, or any other modality in combination with your own inner reflection, I want you to know that you are not alone even though it might feel like it at times. Countless other human beings have been exactly where you and I are, wherever that may be. Today we keep trying to suppress and eradicate suffering, but in that attempt, we are also losing so much of the experiences that make us who we are. This leads to miscommunication between each other, misunderstanding of ourselves and others, and mis-expression of self-love or a misguided sense of self-worth.
The fact of the matter is, that as a collective, we live in a 3-dimensional reality of suffering and duality. Now, remember what I said about resistance and persistence? That same concept applies to our collective reality and your suffering as a human being. It is impossible to shut off completely, so what can we do? If we cannot eradicate our pain, how are we ever supposed to heal ourselves and by consequence, this planet?
From my experience – taking personal responsibility for what your life has been, is, and will be – is the first step. Now, before you say, “… But Katie! How is what happened to me in my past my fault? I didn’t ask for what happened to happen, you’re stupid. This is stupid. I’m turning this off, you can’t possibly understand what I’ve been through.
You are 100% correct.
What other people did or didn’t do to you, says so much more about them and their wounds that it will ever say about you. That is not the point I’m trying to make… All the pain that we have experienced is ours to own and all feelings you have experienced from that pain and trauma are completely valid. It is impossible for us to change the past, but what we do have the power to change is the meaning we have given it along with what we choose to do with those past experiences.
Okay, so what do I mean? Basically, suppressing or trying to eliminate your emotional pain will not serve you because, like I said before my intro began, “maybe it is only when things get so dark around and inside of you, that you have no other choice than to figure out how to turn on your light within.”
With regard to trauma, when you experience pain in the present from a past event, all you are doing is recalling and remembering the existent emotion when that situation was happening. In the present moment, what happened to you in the past is not happening to you again, but the memory of it triggers your emotional response. In order to move forward, it is important that one connects to that pain and feels it fully, before giving it a new meaning and finally letting it go, so the memory no longer brings up those negative feelings that were once associated with it. I will go deeper into this concept in a future episode, but for this introduction – I’m going to try and keep things basic.
For now, the idea I’m trying to express is that once you tap into your pain and integrate it fully into yourself – then and only then – will you be motivated to actually do something with your life.
Hiding from yourself and your past will not serve you in the long term.
The emotions that you experience throughout the day are messages from yourself about what is working and what is not within your daily life and thought processes. You must observe and respond to them instead of reacting to them and the first step in this is simply becoming aware of what you’re experiencing.
Once you’ve started taking responsibility for your life and your feelings or reactions, you have started taking your power back! The next vital step in your healing journey is being gentle with yourself. Start by treating yourself like a friend and try to help yourself understand the emotions you are feeling in a particular moment. A true friend would tell you that everything is going to be alright, that they love you, and it isn’t your fault for feeling the way that you do. Forgive yourself for your negative self-talk when you are feeling particularly down and remind yourself how much you are loved.
I know, that right now as you hear this – your inner self is probably screaming at you that what I’m telling you to do is impossible. “I don’t love myself, no one loves me – if there was love I wouldn’t feel this horrible.” Believe me, I’ve done and still do this to myself on occasion. It is a result of the trauma and pain we have experienced, but the fact that you are still listening to me speak right now – means the exact opposite. Why? Because someone who truly doesn’t love you, a true enemy, would simply allow you to burn and would actually enjoy watching you suffer. You still listening to me tells me that there MUST be love for yourself, somewhere – it may just be a little misguided. I will explore this concept more in future episodes as well, as this misguided self-love is an episode all on its own.
Anyway, you guys, we are all in this world together – all different parts of this epic human story. All individual powerhouses from different cultures that are just trying to find peace. Suffering is part of the human experience, we cannot pity those who have suffered or ourselves for suffering. Why? Well, because once you connect to and understand your individual suffering then you can transform it into your individual power. When we pity each other or yourself, we are taking that power away.
We have been indoctrinated to believe that it is impossible or not okay to be happy while you also have pain within you. Thereby, we are under this impression and illusion that something must be wrong with us if we have been through something traumatic but can still find moments of joy throughout each day. I am here to tell you that the more you focus on those joyful moments and those moments of love – the easier it is for the pain you have experienced to be transformed into something beautiful and wonderful, just like you. As a society, we need to stop teaching people who have experienced pain that it is okay to live a bleak life just because their circumstance does not fit society’s ideal or normal outline. Your resilience and ability to choose love over fear or hate, is your beauty and your humanity.
Quantum physics and chemistry have shown us that everything is energy and it is only what the observer expects that is observed. So, my question for you to ponder before the next episode is this: What have you been creating for yourself since the first time you got hurt and what would you rather create for yourself moving forward?
I think it’s about damn time that we all leverage our pain for change that is bigger than us. Sure, cruelty will still exist as we start this journey together – we need only remind ourselves that those cruel people are coming from a place a deep wounding. Those people (some of us even recognize ourselves as part of this group, or our past-selves as part of this group) will not stop bigger change from happening, but they can stop people whom are trying to heal from seeking help. I implore you, join me in healing and seeking our own help so that we may channel our individual purposes for this bigger change that we so desperately want to see in our world.
